A: Well, Melvyn, it's basically a process of masturbation.  Lots of masturbation, alright?  You masturbate, your mind's focused, OK?  It's switched on, it's turned on, it's gonna get you places.  "The Hogarth Chronicles" was written while I was cracking off.

Q: You mentioned your debut, "The Hogarth Chronicles".  Would you care to talk about your second film, the one which is widely recognised as your classic, "Complete Works"?

A: Yeah, it's funny because I had no idea it would be my 'classic', my movie that all my other movies are compared to.  So I may never top "Classic Works"?  So fucking what?  Nobody complained about my next movie, or my one after that.  Maybe my next one's gonna be my bad one.  I don't give a shit, I like it, I had the best wanks over this one, I've got a good feeling about it.  With "Classic Works" I wanted to make the ULTIMATE Shakespeare movie, alright?  The most tragic, the most comedic, the most romantic, OK?  So Shakespeare wrote the templates?  I wrote it all, all me!  And I fucking directed it as well, he didn't. 

Q: How do you react when people say that Shakespeare would be turning in his grave at "Complete Works"?

A: Well firstly I go and masturbate.  Then I say that he woulda done things different to me.  So what?  Tony Dott directed my screenplay "Blue Slowdance" and he did it in a totally different way to how I woulda done but you don't hear me pissin' and moanin' about it!

Q: You third film, "Wife Disposal", was not such a box office success as your previous two.  What do you have to say?

A: Yeah, that was my premature ejaculation in a way.  What many say my "disappointment".  But you know what?  I'm not disappointed by it so it's not.  I made it for me, everyone else was just invited, alright?  I think it's definitely my favourite film that I've ever written.  Yeah, so "The Hogarth Chronicles" was better directed, but as a writer, "Wife Disposal" is by far my best film.

Q: Your fourth epic was just that, an epic.  Also a detour for you.  Why is "Parasol" the least Marento-esuq we've seen?

A: You know I hate the term "Marento-esque"?  I'm a movie maker.  I make movies.  I don't wank off any old shit.  I wank off movies!  OK?  So why can't I make a romantic comedy like "Parasol"?  People liked it, alright?  It wasn't a total detour for me, it's still revered as a classic.

Q: Finally, Quint, can you tell us anything about your new movie?

A: It's a new big screen version of legendary superhero Kamikaze Blade.  I was always a fan of the comic books and the short films they made in the 80s so I wrote my own after a night of wanking and didn't ever dream about the creator approving it and so now it's going ahead and will be in cinemas in early 2006.  Go see it!

"The Hogarth Chronicles" is available on DVD
"Complete Works" is available on DVD
"Blue Slowdance" is available on DVD
"Wife Disposal" is available on DVD
"Parasol" is available on DVD